There is another kind of silence that is acceptable, though sometimes uncomfortable, to me, and that is the kind of silence where you hold your tongue.

Granted, there are times when we all need to hold our tongue; those are so universally recognized that I don’t need to discuss them. Other times, though, the decision to speak or not depends on our sensitivity to and awareness of the other person. If there is something I would like to say, but feel hesitant to, then I take the time required to think about it, and to ask myself why I am hesitating.

Sometimes I am hesitating because I want to say something but am not confident of my ability to say it with diplomacy and care; if I don’t think I can say it in a way that will make it possible for the other person to receive it, then there’s no point in saying it. After all, what’s the difference between a communication not shared and a communication not received? Not an awful lot, though sometimes I’ll say something knowing full well that the person can’t or won’t hear what I have to say, because I believe that one day it will make sense to them. I’ve been on the receiving end of such remarks, and though at the time I received them, I didn’t understand, when I later got it, I was grateful to the person who had said it, because I think they were in part instrumental in my getting the idea—however eventually that was.

With other people, though, my sense is that they are either dealing with so many other issues that they just cannot yet take on another, or that they are moving so slowly through their life lessons that whatever it is I am seeing, they are not going to get to in this lifetime. So I say nothing.

Other times I hesitate because I have the sense that, were I to say something, that person would be so offended that they would drop the friendship, and the friendship means more to me than perhaps uselessly speaking up. I did lose a friend for a year that way. She was on the phone with me,  complaining, as she had so many times before, about a life situation as though she were a victim of circumstances. My heart went out to her, but I didn’t like being taken through the emotional wringer time and again about the same issue when I knew full well she had deliberately and consciously made the choice to be in that situation. So I told her that she had chosen her circumstances (rather bluntly, I’m sorry to say), and she stopped speaking with me. A year later, she forgave me, admitted the truth of what I had said, and had come to a better way of thinking about it herself so that she found purpose in her choices rather than victimhood, and we have remained friends since.

Even so, it is sometimes difficult to know when to speak and when not to. I trust my inner guidance; if my heart is warning me not to say something, I stay quiet. If it is just my head telling me not to say anything, and my heart is guiding me to speak up, then I do my best to say it as quietly and gently as I can.

Your finances can be managed in this way. When purchasing something, distinguish between what you need and what you want. You may want a mansion and caviar and $600 jeans, but what you need is shelter and food and clothing.

For shelter, depending on your budget, you may want to own your own home, but it isn’t affordable right now. You may only be able to afford to rent an apartment or maybe even just a room somewhere. (Though you can still save toward the goal of owning your own home; these “ways to save money” tips might be helpful for that.)

For food, are you dining out a lot or buying prepackaged foods? To save money, you can make your own meals most of the time. An added benefit of making your own meals is that you get more food for the dollar (if you shop wisely), and you can eat more healthful foods. If you can’t cook, well, that’s another matter, but you could start learning. Just take it one step at a time; try something easy; add a new recipe or two to your repertoire each week. Maybe try a few that make a large quantity of food, which you can then take to work as lunches or freeze some of for later. Very quickly you will have a core set of recipes that you enjoy making and eating.

Along those lines, set yourself a lunch budget and stick to it. Mine is $25 a week ($5 a day), which means if I spend $10 one day dining out, I need to bring something from home the next day. I like to see if I can get through an entire week without buying lunch. (Have an overall food budget as well.)

What about those $600 jeans? Does you really need them? Does anyone really need them? Of course not. You can most likely find something just as comfortable and perhaps of better quality somewhere else. You can even go shopping at thrift stores for clothing. If you haven’t checked out a thrift store recently, you might be surprised at the quality of clothing there. Think about it—the clothing at those thrift stores comes from donations, and quite often people donate good-quality, even never-used clothing. I’ve seen brand-name suits, like Pierre Cardin; silk blouses; and one time a dozen brand-new wool women’s coats donated by a local merchant. Another time, I found a gorgeous hand-tailored ivory silk woman’s suit, which fit my daughter perfectly. While you’re there, you might be able to pick up some other household items that you need at a fraction of their retail value. If it hurts your pride to shop at a thrift store, you don’t have to tell people where you got that great designer suit; just say “thank you” when you get compliments.

But I know that if I shyly look away when someone looks in my direction, it can be misinterpreted as a kind of rejection. Maybe most people might think nothing of it, but I am acutely aware of those nuances. So I look back and smile. Looking back takes a bit of effort—after all, rejection can flow in two ways, and perhaps that person will frown at me—but the smile doesn’t take any effort at all.

As part of looking back, I find that I notice something nice about just about everyone I look at. Sure, there are those few people who raise my internal alarms, but most people radiate a kind of wholesomeness, a likability, that feels good to see. I would miss that if I allowed myself to look away.

I also believe that even when no words are exchanged, whatever my thoughts and reactions are to others—really, whatever any one of us is thinking and feeling about another—is communicated on an internal level. (This is why I have never once in her entire life lied to my daughter. But that’s another topic.) Whether we are all fully aware of that communication doesn’t matter; we receive it and respond to it. So when I look at someone and smile with genuine acceptance, they get it.

It’s a kind of spiritual practice, a reminder that we are all in this together, that we are all spiritual beings working through a sometimes very difficult life, and that whatever we can do to remind each other of that fact can help each of us find our path a little easier to walk.

So before you purchase something, look online, browse locally, compare all costs (including taxes, shipping and handling, the gasoline it would take to drive to purchase it, etc.) before deciding something is a bargain. Look at unit pricing! The large economy size isn’t always a better deal; sometimes two smaller containers of something are less expensive per ounce or unit than one larger one.

After you’ve done your research, use a cooling off period before you buy; that is, give yourself a day or two, or a week before you purchase. You may find you don’t want it as badly as you thought.

Also, don’t let yourself be stampeded into purchasing something under some kind of deadline. Be especially suspicious of sales people trying to tell you the opportunity will never come again. In the vast majority of cases, whatever that item is, you will have the chance to buy it later or somewhere else, perhaps at the same price or even a better one. 

Along those lines, I once told a tarot card reader that there are a few things I consider essential to friendship: honesty, give and take (instead of a one-way street, where one person is always giving and the other always taking), and a certain level of good-heartedness (which isn’t to be confused with having a good nature; someone can be unsocial and difficult and still be good-hearted).

The tarot card reader had different standards. None of what I felt was essential to a good relationship was on her list. This surprised me, especially when she particularly mentioned the honesty part as being “a lot to ask.” What kind of people did she hang out with that made honesty a lot to ask? More importantly, how could she have a relationship with dishonest people? Or rather, how could she have a good relationship with dishonest people? And for that matter, if she felt honesty was a lot to ask, what did that say about her own level of honesty?

Trust and honesty go hand in hand; without honesty, you can’t have trust; without trust, you can’t have a friendship.

(As an aside, although I had thought she and I might become friends, after that conversation, I realized we couldn’t be.)

I’m not saying I expect my friends to be proponents of radical honesty. But, at least for my closest friends, I want to feel comfortable talking about any subject, especially if it is something personal about myself or someone else. And I want to feel that what is being said to me is a honest reflection of what my friends think and feel. I have never liked the feeling that there are just some topics I can’t talk about with someone close to me. And I want to feel that I can trust my friends to keep things I say confidential. Having to watch what I say and avoid certain topics of conversation means (to me, anyway) that we don’t have a completely free and open discourse.

But sometimes people just can’t hear something about themselves. And by “can’t,” I mean literally are unable to. (Other times, they don’t want to hear it and make it clear that it isn’t a topic you can talk about with them. That’s different from what I am about to discuss.) I was thinking about this today because there is someone who was once very dear to me for a number of years whom I dropped (after some soul-searching) for this very reason. She was wonderful in many ways, but she had a habit of making snarky little demeaning digs at me, which were infrequent at first but got worse (both in frequency and meanness of the comments) as our friendship went on. Finally, it got bad enough that I tried to talk with her about it a few times, but I got nowhere.

It wasn’t that she denied making the comments, or that she explained that the comments were justified and therefore allowable within the bounds of honesty, both of which I expected. Instead, she went completely blank when I tried to talk with her about her comments, as though her consciousness went elsewhere, or as though I had suddenly started talking in a language she didn’t understand. It was weird. She was at such a profound level of denial that I still have a hard time fathoming it. How can you not know what you are saying and doing? And how could we talk about her hurtful comments if she wasn’t even letting herself know she was making them?

So I had three options:

• continue to associate with her, accepting that she was doing something hurtful to me that we couldn’t talk about;
• tell her the friendship was off, without being able to tell her why;
• or (and this was my choice) stop reaching out to her, stop calling her, stop sending her email, and stop visiting her, and see what happened.

It saddened me to say good-bye to her in my heart. I had learned a lot from her, and loved her, and still love her. And I won’t demean her by saying she didn’t love me, because I think she did, but when I dropped her, she did not, as I would have, call me to find what was up, or to see if I was okay. She sent an email three months later to a list of email contacts, including me, telling everyone she was moving, and that was it. I thought at first that she had dropped the friendship too, but some years later, when I sent her an email to see how she was doing, she replied and said in passing that she never understood what had happened to our friendship. By that statement, she might have been asking me indirectly what happened, but I didn’t see any increase in her awareness in her email (she made some of the same kinds of digs she had before), so I could no more explain then than I had been able to when I ended the friendship.

Which leads to the last thing I want to say today on this topic. I remember reading once, many years ago, that the more mature person in a relationship has the greater responsibility of doing the right thing. This is obvious with a parent and a child; your child may scream unpleasant things at you in anger, but you, as the adult, are responsible for responding like an adult, not like a child. It is less obvious, but just as apt, to say that if someone you are in a relationship with (family, friend, lover, co-worker…) does something immature or unconscious, and you are aware of it, you are responsible for responding with maturity and awareness rather than in kind. If there is a large age difference between you and your friends (where you are the older one), and especially when they are overall a settled, mature bunch, it can be hard sometimes to remember that they are young and have not had the years of learning from experience that you have. I sometimes have to remind myself, when people I know do something immature, that they are young, that we all make mistakes, and that mistakes are part of the process of living, learning, and growing up. I try to make the same allowance for myself when I make a mistake too.

By waiting until the movie is out on DVD, not only do I save a lot of money, I also get to hear peoples’ reactions and read reviews; sometimes I decide that I don’t want to see the movie at all. And even when I still want to see the movie, instead of paying for one viewing for three people, I can save my money and purchase the DVD when it comes out and potentially watch it many times. (My rule of thumb for purchasing a movie: if I think I will watch it enough that purchasing it is less than the price of renting it repeatedly, I’ll consider buying it.)

If I count the cost of drinks and popcorn and candy and the other overpriced, empty calories for sale at the theater, I could buy two DVDs. Or I could take everyone out for a nice meal instead.

And many movies lose nothing by being viewed on your television screen instead of on the big screen. With few exceptions, talking head movies, romantic comedies, mysteries, supernatural, horror, and the like fit into that category. Though some movies are worth seeing on the big screen, such as action films, films with sweeping vistas, and some animated features (such as anything by Pixar and many things by its now-parent studio, Disney). 

And it is also true that going to see a movie in the theater with friends and family can be fun. (Though staying at home and having a movie night can be a lot more fun—and much more comfortable.)

Still, if you want to see a movie in the theater, you can save money by going to a matinee instead of an evening show, and by eating a good meal (or at least a good snack) before you go so you aren’t tempted to buy theater food.

As soon as she had shaken us down for what she could, this accomplished con artist and her male companion, who had been careful to remain out of sight until then, climbed into a white, late-model Toyota and drove away. So, no female cousin, no Silverado, no desperate need for gas.

It bothered me that I had let myself be taken advantage of; clearly she was lying and needed the money for something she was sure others wouldn’t approve of. Drugs, alcohol, a gambling debt—who knows? The point is that she lied to get money for nothing; that she took advantage of good-hearted people; that she felt it was all right to do so.

This is why I don’t like to give to panhandlers no matter how pitiful their story scrawled on a piece of cardboard. My kind heart would love to give what I have; my cooler, more rational head knows that many of the people I see panhandling are not truly in need, or need the money for lifestyles that I prefer not to support. I have no problem with people destroying their lives with drugs or alcohol or whatever—it’s a waste of their lives, but it is their choice to make and none of my business as long as they don’t harm others—but I don’t want to fund those choices.

In addition, I never know whether someone really needs the money for what I would be willing to help with, such as food and shelter. If I could be sure they were going to use the money for those needs, I would be happy to help. But I don’t know. Here are some personal experiences that have taught me to be a little less trusting and a little more cautious:

• When I was a child, the father of a family we knew, a man who had a large income, decided to dump it all—wife, son, daughter, job, home, and all—and go live under a bridge. (Literally.) He didn’t have any alcohol or mental problems that I know of; my mother later told me that he just got tired of it all. That was a choice he made. Should we as a society have then supported him?
• I read an article in the late 1980s that said a good panhandling position in Santa Cruz could net a person $40,000 free and clear. That’s $40,000 tax-free. $40,000 that they could keep to themselves and spend as they like, not kicking any back into the public good. In the late 1980s, that was a very good income.
• My brother once had a neighbor who owned his house but got his wherewithal by panhandling at busy intersections. He carried home large, heavy athletic bags filled with money.
• A neighbor of mine who has lived in the same house for years often panhandles at a busy intersection nearby. I don’t know whether he owns his house, but I doubt he is in desperate straits.
• And we’ve seen panhandlers trying to hide the fact that they are talking on their smartphones.

Should we as a society take care of those who cannot take care of themselves—the temporarily or permanently disabled, the elderly who have been productive their entire lives, and now cannot afford the basics of life? Yes.

Should we take care of those who are temporarily down on their luck? Yes, for a year or two or even three. And we should do what we can to help such people find jobs.

But should we support people who are capable of working but choose not to, finding that the public largess is just fine for them? No. And should we give money to panhandlers? No.

Many are looking for something for nothing, and are taking advantage of kind-hearted people like me. Most people don’t want to be rude or seem to be hard-hearted, so they give to panhandlers, thereby helping to perpetuate the problem. So I choose not to give to panhandlers. Instead, I give more wisely (most of the time, anyway; clearly I was not wise in that recent parking lot). For example, Raley’s, a local grocery store, collects cash donations to food for families. 100% of the donated funds go to food; Raley’s absorbs all costs of administering the funds they collect. I am sure it is a good tax write-off, but they don’t have to do it, and it goes through reputable distribution centers. And I give to other reputable charities as well.

So the next time you are tempted to hand a few coins to a panhandler, think again. Are you giving because you think you are making a positive difference in that person’s life, or because you can’t say no? If the latter, there are many fine charities that you can donate to. That way you can be assured that the money is doing some modicum of good. But check them out first; there are many disreputable charities that, like a corporate kind of panhandler, have the sole purpose of separating you from your money without doing anything good with it.

In addition to turning off the lights, consider replacing your light bulbs with more energy-efficient ones as well. I don’t recommend compact fluorescent bulbs because they are a health and environmental hazard (they have mercury inside, and it is the rare person who bothers to dispose of them properly; also, if a bulb breaks in your house, now you have fine mercury dust in your home). But the new LED light bulbs, though outrageously expensive, will last for thousands of hours, so it might be worth considering one of those to replace a light bulb in a fixture you use every day. Or start the transition by buying lower-wattage incandescents.

Another thing you can do is plug a lot of your appliances and electronic equipment into a power strip. Many electronic devices use electricity even when they are turned off. If you have them plugged into a power strip, when you aren’t using the device, turn the power strip off. That prevents the device from drawing residual power. That alone can save a lot of energy. I don’t recommend this if your device has settings that have to be redone every time your device is completely unplugged, which is what plugging it into a power strip, and then turning off the power strip, is essentially the equivalent of. But if you can stand your device flashing 12:00 at you all the time, then you can save a lot of money this way.

It may take some time to develop the habit of turning off the lights and other electronics when you leave a room. And it can cost a bit (and therefore take some time) to switch over to LEDs. Common sense, not to mention common courtesy, suggests that turning off the lights is the job of whomever is the last to leave a room.

You will be amazed at how much less your electric bill can be if you make these practices a habit.

By “knowing yourself,” I mean understanding what is significant to you. Are there certain numbers that mean something to you? Symbols? Images? Sounds, names, tastes, colors? Events?

For example, let’s say a particular number is significant to you; if you are Biblically minded, perhaps 666, the number of the beast, casts a shadow in your mind when you see it. Let’s say that you are interacting with someone, and 666 comes up somehow—perhaps in their home address or their phone number. You might miss this fact entirely, or, even if you notice it, you could dismiss this as coincidence. It very well could be coincidence, but perhaps it isn’t. It wouldn’t hurt to take a cautious look at that person and your interactions with them.

Or, perhaps you aren’t interacting with anyone that you know is associated with that number, but bad things are happening to you or those you love, and the number shows up in various places—a restaurant bill, someone’s license plate number, etc. You could take that as a sign that there is someone in your life somewhere who is trying to do you harm. It wouldn’t have to be someone you know; if you are part of a group or organization, for example, there could be an opposing group or organization.

Likewise, if there are numbers or images you associate with good things, and those keep showing up in your life, you could choose to take those as signs that things are going your way or that there are people who are meaning you well. Or perhaps that there is something you could benefit from by paying attention to. For example, many people have a rule of three: if they hear something three times in a short period of time, say, a book or movie recommendation, they take it as a sign to read the book or go see the movie because they are being told there is a longer message in the book or movie that is useful to them.

As another example, let’s say you feel a special affinity with a particular animal; perhaps the skunk or fox. You might not normally see either where you live (perhaps you live in a highly urban area), but nature has her way of bringing her messages to you regardless of where you live. You might see an image of a skunk on a billboard or on television, or hear the word, or see black and white stripes that are reminiscent of a skunk’s striping. You could choose to ignore those images, but you can also choose to view them as a message bringing to you whatever meaning the skunk carries for you. If you are in a highly urbanized area and you see an actual living skunk (though perhaps not in a zoo—though maybe even then), then that could be taken as a message that is practically being shouted at you.

Whatever sign or symbol you see, notice. Listen. Spend a few minutes thinking about it. Maybe connect it with other signs or symbols you’ve seen reaching you. Is there a pattern? Has something come up several times recently, perhaps in conversation, on the Internet, on television, in a book, on the radio, on a billboard, in a text, in a tweet, on FaceBook, in email? What feeling do you get when that happens? Are you being warned? Admonished? Encouraged? Praised? Loved? Guided in a particular direction, or guided to (or away from) a particular person, place, or thing?

The habit of finding meaning can make your life richer, fuller, and more satisfying. Even if we are ultimately wrong and there is no meaning to life, isn’t it better to live as though there were? And if there is, isn’t it better to find it than to ignore it?

Accelerate and Decelerate Smoothly and Slowly

Instead of tromping on the gas or brakes, accelerate and decelerate smoothly and slowly, both on the freeway and in town. This also means looking ahead to see what’s going on. If you see brake lights in the distance, or if a traffic light down the road is yellow, start slowing down right away (but slowly; if it is safe to do so, lift your foot slightly from the gas pedal instead of starting to brake).

If the brake lights mean a highway slowdown, you are better prepared to come to stop and you save fuel by decelerating smoothly.

If it is a traffic light, it might cycle completely through yellow to red to green by the time you arrive, in which case you spare some fuel by not having to come to a full stop. But even if you need to stop, you will have saved some fuel by not continuing to keep your foot on the gas pedal until the last minute.

If you are at a full stop, when the light changes to green again, take a second before you accelerate again (and accelerate smoothly; not need to jackrabbit out of there). When taking that second before you start up again, look around to make sure that there aren’t any last-minute light-jumpers; the life you save could well be your own. Also, accelerating smoothly instead of tromping on the gas pedal saves fuel.

When braking, keep in mind something I read long ago: every time you step on the brakes, you are magically changing fuel into brake lining dust (and thereby worsening your fuel efficiency). And I will add that it also reduces the life of your brakes; add up a lot of unnecessary braking and you will be replacing your brakes a lot more often than you need to—and that’s an easily avoided cost.

Turn Off the Engine if Idling for Longer Than a Minute

If you are idling more than a minute, turn your engine off. Turning your engine on takes a bit more fuel than just running it, but if your engine is going to be idling for longer than a minute, you offset the cost of starting up again by the fuel you save from just sitting there with your engine running.

Drive Smoothly; Don’t Change Your Speeds a Lot

Maintain a smooth, steady speed, rather than speeding up and slowing down a lot. I.e., don’t speed up to 55 mph, then slow down to 50, then up to 55 again.

Related to this: if you maintain a speed by pressing your foot on the gas pedal for a few seconds, then lifting your foot off for a few seconds, then pressing down again, etc., consider learning how to keep a smooth, steady pressure on the gas pedal to maintain the speed you want.

Cruise control on the highway is an excellent option for maintaining a constant speed, though you still need to pay attention and be ready to respond to any situation. (Also, if your car has an overdrive, use it. You’ll notice your fuel mileage goes way up.)

Driving the speed limit will save you some fuel as well.

Keep Your Car and Tires Maintained

A well-running engine is more fuel efficient than one that is not. And tires with the proper pressure are safer, and might save you a bit of fuel as well.