Gravity Hill
I am still sick as a dog, but am thoroughly tired of lying in bed sleeping or resting. If that makes sense. I am also done with being sick, thank you very much, so someone please make it go away now.
Near Sonoma State University, there is an area that is informally called Gravity Hill. There are no signs to it, and no way of knowing you are there if you don't already know that you are there. Basically, it is a road that follows around on the side of a hill, where the road dips down to a trough, then climbs back up. If you drive to the bottom of the trough in the road and put your car in neutral, the car backs rapidly back up the hill. It is a bit eerie and kind of cool.
I have taken a few people there, and it has become sort of a test of a person's ability to hold an open mind and allow for something of wonder in the world. It has been revealing. Two people of whom I expected better instantly tried to explain it away "rationally," as though there isn't and couldn't be an as-yet-unknown rational explanation for it being a genuine effect.
One friend said it must be an optical illusion, and that the trough must actually be a hill. Even when I had him get out of the car half-way up one slope, and I stood on the opposite slope, to triangulate and show that we were looking DOWN on the roof of the car, he insisted that we must just be being deceived by our eyes. There are none so blind as those who will not see? I was extremely disappointed in this friend, who remains a friend and so will remain nameless, because he was the one who got me started thinking about psychic abilities in a way that made sense to me.
Another (former) friend said more or less the same thing, only she added a little stab of the knife by laughing at me in a patronizing way, a sort of, "There, there, little girl, you run along with your fantasies and illusions, and I will stay here in the grown-up world and smile smugly at you." It didn't feel very good.
The Nature of Friendship
This was the same friend who started to find fault with me and belittle me in many other ways about things that mattered the most to me, and when I tried to talk about it with her, she either denied that she had said it, or denied that she had meant it the way I took it, even though I checked with others who were witnesses to make sure I wasn't mistaking her meaning. Several people even volunteered private comments to me, ever so cautiously, because they knew how much this friend meant to me, about the nature of her attitude toward me, which gradually got so obvious that I couldn't ignore it or explain away her comments as just a glitch in an otherwise nice person's attitude. For some reason, she had what I call an agenda against me, and was in her mind in a "better than" competition with me, so she felt she had to belittle my accomplishments and downplay the significance of my spiritual path or knowledge.
Eventually, I realized that it couldn't be mended, and that the kind of relationship she wanted with me, I didn't want, and the kind of relationship I wanted with her, she didn't want or wasn't capable of, and so I moved her back outside the boundary that says that on this side are my friends and on that side are people I like, admire, perhaps even love, but who, for whatever reason, I do not consider to be friends.
I gained much and my life was enriched in many ways by her presence, but one of the things I have been doing with my life in recent years is not allowing people to be in it who have bad intentions or negative agendas toward me, and so she had to go.
When Good People Go Bad?
I find it difficult, in some ways, to believe that it took me until I was in my 30s to even understand that there were people with bad intentions, and then, after the initial horrified realization and loss of idealistic illusions, it took even longer to get to the point where I realized in my heart that I had the right to say "no" to such behavior, and if the "no" doesn't stick, to say sayonara, which in Japan means so long for a very long time. Within family, if a parent says sayonara to a child, it means the parent is disowning the child.
I won't say that I have disowned the few people I have chosen to retreat from in this manner (with perhaps one exception, who was over the top in harmfulness). I don't judge these people, and I still hope for the best for them. I just have realized that their nature and mine are not compatible, and it does harm to both of us for me to allow them to continue to do harm to me.
It harms me because, well, they are doing harmful things, and because I feel diminished when I allow others to harm me. It harms them because they are not being given guidance that they are doing harm, or enough restraint to stop them from doing it. It is not loving to allow someone to continue to do harm. If I cannot get them to understand how they are harming me, then that means that they are not ready to deal with it. Eventually, they will be, or so I hope, but I do not need to be their verbal punching bag in the meantime.
Levels of Reality
Which brings us to a related topic: The idea that there are some people who mean harm. There is a popular New Age idea that everyone means well, and that if only you understood a person fully, you would see that they never intended to do harm, or that what might seem to be harmful is all just some mistake that, if we ignore it, it and its effects will go away. As a corollary to this belief, anyone who dares to mention otherwise--who, perhaps, says that the emperor is naked, in a manner of speaking, by saying that someone does not have good intentions--quite often becomes a target of denial and criticism.
My brother and I were discussing this just a few days ago. There are some people, for example, in the corporate world who do not have good intentions, solid ethics, and sound moral codes. They are in it for the money, or the power, or whatever, and as a result they make decisions that are not good for the company or their coworkers all the time. And yet, if one tries to point out that perhaps the company would be better off without that person, one is criticised and told that there is nothing there.
I am reminded of one company and one person in particular, for whom the alarm bells in my head went off early, loud, and long. Most people I expressed my concerns to scoffed at those concerns and said they didn't see what I saw. A few privately did, but were afraid to say anything. One revealed, as he was packing his bags to leave the company, that he had seen this person destroy two other companies and he wasn't going to wait around to see this person do it to that company.
Although I spoke up against many of this person's destructive policy recommendations, no one else saw what I saw, not even the people who had the power and authority to speak up and who I thought, in my starry-eyed idealism, must have far greater insight and wisdom and vision than I had.
I came to feel like Cassandra--seeing disaster coming, and not able to do a darn thing about it. I, too, eventually left the company (though for other reasons), after seeing it start on a downhill slide, rapidly losing market share as a direct result of this person's destructive decisions, as I had predicted years before. This person was indicted on criminal charges when he left the company some years later, but that was way too late for the company.
This inability on the part of many people to see that here, now, on the physical level, people can and do deliberately do bad things to others, is a result, I think, of confusing levels of reality, or thinking that there is only one, or thinking that if one ignores or denies a problem, it will just go away. The truth is that yes, at some cosmic level of being, all spirits--I take that back--MOST spirits are basically good. That DOES NOT MEAN THE SAME THING as saying that they mean well, even at the cosmic level. Some spirits, even at the cosmic level, still have bad intentions, even if one could say that they are basically good. It is a difference between one's basic NATURE and one's INTENTIONS, and it is the intentions that are made manifest by our actions, and that are therefore the most important gauge by which to determine whether someone should be in your life.
Intentions
And at the more normal, everyday level of reality, spirits, even if basically good, can get confused or angry or vengeful or twisted in a number of ways, and can then INTENTIONALLY do harm to others. If one does not have clear intentions to do good, and to be ethical, and honest, one can end up doing harm to others, because one will not have an internal set of principles to act as guidance in those dicey moments and decisions we must all make each day.
I know I have sounded this trumpet or beaten this drum in various ways before, but it always bears repeating. There are people in the world who intend to do harm, and unless you want to be harmed, it is best to avoid them. Don't deny it; don't say that they are basically good; don't make excuses for them or allow them to stay in your life for one minute longer. Know that you do not deserve to be treated badly, and escort them out of your life.
Which gets to the other part of it, and that is what we believe we deserve. If we have not been taught by having loving, responsive parents that we deserve to be loved and cherished, but have instead been taught that we are worthless, as far too many of us have, then it is difficult to get it into our hearts that we deserve better than what we are receiving, if we are being abused or harmed in some way. I, as much as anyone, fully understand that from the inside. But ask for spiritual help and guidance, and even earthly help and guidance, if you are in a bad situation, and do your best to treat yourself better than you think you deserve. Eventually, it is my prayer than none of us will ever allow another person to do us deliberate harm.
Some of you may be unclear on the difference between a harmful relationship and one that has things in it that bother you. The difference is simple: If you are being harmed, it is a harmful relationship. It can't get any simpler than that, and yet what a length of years we can put into trying to figure out what harm is!
Here are some "compare and contrast" examples:
- If he doesn't spell all his words right, and that annoys you, he isn't doing you harm. That's just a personal idosyncracy on his part and a personal dislike on yours.
- If she asks you regularly to put the toilet seat down when you are finished, and you regularly forget, and she gets exasperated and loses her patience and yells at you, that isn't harm, that's frustration at your lack of considerateness. Though she is also not being harmed by your actions. Even if she did sit in the toilet in the middle of the night.
- If he regularly belittles you and makes you feel like less than a whole, healthy person, he is doing you harm. It is even worse if he alternates this behavior with apologies and promises not to do it any more, followed by a gathering storm in which you tip-toe around, holding your breath, followed by another outburst from him. That's harm.
- If he or she snores, that isn't doing harm, no matter how loud it may be.
- If he or she rages at you all out of proportion to the fault, that's doing harm.
- If he or she steals from you, that's doing harm.
Often, the harm is associated with abusiveness, though not always. For more on abusive relationships, see http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/healthy_abusive.htm. And now, having wandered far afield from Gravity Hill, I am going to take my ill carcase back to bed.